Fantasy stroll. March 8, 2009

Today I pretended I was an explorer from another planet.  My name was Trorg.   The Earth's atmosphere would certainly have killed me without the goggles and snorkel I wore.  On planet Sart we breathe an atmosphere infused with aspertane caused by pollution from previous civilizations, we thrive on it and would die otherwise.  I collected soil samples and various mineral solids.  I won't be sure until I return to Sart, but I may have traveled not only through space, but also time.  I was very careful not leave behind any trace of my visit, I don't want to disrupt the order of the universe.  The most notable thing I observed was that humans have no concept of trimprog.  So fascinating!  A most curious species!

Hilarious pranks

Sometimes, when I use a public restroom, I like to go inside each stall and lock it, then crawl out under the door.  Then when somebody else comes inside and needs to use the stall they can’t get in.  This is hilarious.  I don’t even need to stick around, just the thought of it happening puts me in stitches.  I can just imagine the look on that sucker’s face.  Sometimes I even leave my shoes behind so if they peek under they will think it’s occupied, then the laughs last much longer.  Ideally I would use several mannequins to really tie things up for a while, but sadly I don't have access to such props.

Another prank I like to pull is I leave a small pin in a movie theater seat so when somebody sits down it pricks them.  When they get up and see what it was they find a note that reads: “this needle is infected with the AIDS virus”, so they get really freaked out for while until they discover it was really just a joke and they don’t have AIDS.  Then they just have a good laugh with their friends.  You can do this with pretty much any disease.

I think I have an addiction

Every morning I stand in the same spot in the same subway car.  There is a woman with a similar schedule who also gets in the same doors and stands nearby.  Her hair smells absolutely incredible.  It smells something like two honeysuckles copulating on a warm spring day while eating grandma’s homemade brownies.  My eyes roll back into my skull, toes curl, and I hold back a euphoric groan with each whiff.  I always try to stand behind her, lean in, flare my nostrils and let the scent slowly ease its way inside so as not to overwhelm me.  It's a sensation I savor and then crave.  I normally see her at least 3 or 4 times a week but the last time I smelled her hair was last Wednesday.  I haven't seen her since.  Now I get headaches every morning.  I’ve taken to sniffing spicy brown mustard, it gets rid of the headaches, but always ends up in a nose bleed 2 or 3 hours later.  I’m not sure what to do.

A cat's life

All last night I dreamt I was a housecat.  I was nimble and small and pretty much just hung out and slept.  When my alarm went off in the morning I immediately turned it off and went back to sleep.  Because cats don’t have alarms and get up for work, it’s time to sleep in.  Man, I'm so glad I'm a cat and not a person.  By the time I remembered I wasn’t actually a cat at all I was already an hour late for work.  What a crazy dream.

Love story

Whenever I’m nervous that a girl thinks I’m not into her I do 2 things.  First, I poke her. Try this, If you’re not sure where to poke just keep poking playfully until you get a genuine reaction. There are no negative reactions in this scenario, only reciprocal flirts. The second thing is making prolonged eye contact, try to get your eyes to shake back and forth slightly. Make sure she notices this. If her eyes dilate then your chemistry is undeniably harmonious. I tried this with a cashier at the grocery store, our souls mated. She is my soulmate, her name is Kathy, within 13 years I will return and claim her everlasting soul.

Pump up the pace

I’ve read that laughing burns calories, this is another thing I can incorporate into my idle moments to help counteract the sedentary lifestyle.  I figure I can fit in about 6 hours of raucous laughter every day.  It also occurred to me that it takes more muscles in your face and more effort to frown than to smile, therefore, laughing normally is not the most effective calorie burner.  Three hours of frowny laughing is better than 100 thigh raises, or even 20 minutes on the bow-flex.  I’ve begun putting it into practice all the time, whether I'm in Trader Joe's, Barnes & Noble or just sitting at home reading the book I just purchased.  Start today, right now, if it sounds something like: “rubrubrubrubrubrub” then you’re doing it right.

Fantasy stroll. March 1, 2009

Today I went for a fantasy stroll, which I normally do every Sunday.  I pretended I was a great big lion, with a luscious flowing mane.  Everyone feared me and respected me.  They admired my coat, lions are beautiful creatures.  I growled and purred and went on a hunt.  Several other lions joined me as I feasted on a fresh zebra kill.  There is only one king of the jungle.