Roots

I woke up this morning feeling pretty drab. I tried all the routine things that typically perk my spirits: Smashing cherry tomatoes in my palm (great stress reliever), perusing ebay for Cabbage Patch Kids, doing science experiments. Nothing seemed to help though. Then it occurred to me that I was out of touch with my inner child. So I lay in my tub, and did a breathing exercise; four short breaths in - one long breath out. Then I did an "envisioning". I tuned out all the hub-bub from the world outside, and connected in my mind to my younger self. I called out to him, saying "BRANDON! WHAT IS WRONG?" From the lunch line he raised his fists and shouted back, "NO DOUGH!" 

I awoke with a defibrillative jolt, splashing suds all over my new USA bath mat and sat in awe, pondering the potential meaning of his words. After thirty minutes of brow-furrowing contemplation, the water had chilled, and I found myself unwittingly gyrating for warmth. This will not do, I thought, so I dressed myself and went for a stroll around town.

On my way to the subway, I passed a pizza kitchen called "Tony Tomatoes" and thought I'd pop in for a slice of Hawaiian. But before I could order, something caught my eye. A bakers dozen of yeasty orbs rising in the morning sunlight coming through the window. It was then I remembered that as an adolescent, I used to love to gnash my teeth into a wad of pizza dough. I offered Tony Tomato five dollars to bag me the best uncooked glob on the rack; an offer which he accepted. 

I consumed it greedily on the subway, swallowing every slick chewful with addicting fervor, and I perfectly beamed for the whole remainder of the day. 

So thank you little Johnn. You know me better than I know myself.

Mother Earth

I watched a program today that discussed the desire among pregnant women to eat dirt as opposed to "people food". I have always wanted to understand the subtle intricacies of the feminine mind, so I set out to try this for myself.  I put on my maroon turtleneck and head for the park where I then picked a quiet patch of earth and began digging and sifting for what I perceived to be the best handfuls of soil available.

 I had to force the first bite or two, washing it down with a Fresca I'd brought along, but before long I felt I truly understood the appeal. So when I spotted a young pregnant woman sitting by the pond, I walked over and wished her well with the blessing in her belly. Then I dropped a handful of the dirt I had pocketed next to her on the bench. "For later!" I said, "Just whenever you get hungry."

 You know something? I think that if things had been different, I could have made a really excellent mother. 

The Trouble With Children

Ever since I was one myself, I have struggled with the general bad temperament of children. Therefore I make it my business to teach them life lessons that they would not be getting else-wise. Work ethic, honesty and courteousness I think are the hallmarks of good rearing and so these are the attributes I seek to instill in the youth I come in contact with.

Today I was on the bus, when a boy (aged 9, so he told me) boarded. I slid over and offered him the seat next to my own. When he accepted, we conversed shortly and then I engaged him in a quick round of  "I-Spy", as a way to gauge how much tutelage he was in need of. I told him that I had spied an orange briefcase, knowing full well there was none to be found. He looked around, and instead of lying to appease me, he bashfully admitted defeat. He could see no orange briefcase. I told him that was right, patted him on the head and offered him half a packet of Smarties that I had saved from the bank. He declined my offer and told me that we had already arrived at his stop. It couldn't have been more than 8 blocks. 

So the boy, despite his honesty, proved my point. Children are just terribly lazy people.

Do you believe?

Today I brought my laptop on the train with me.  It’s no ordinary laptop.  In fact, it’s just an old busted one I got for free off craigslist, it doesn’t work.  What I’ve done is I’ve installed a mirror where the screen should be.  I like to take it out in public and pretend as if I’m talking via webcam with an old friend of mine.  I have some old earphones I wear to simulate one side of a conversation.  Then, whenever somebody who I find unattractive looks at me I start talking about "the creep who keeps staring at me".  I try to do this loud enough so they can hear, until they get up and leave.  Sometimes they say something to me first, this is very rare, but they always leave the area within five minutes.  This is how I clear out the unattractive people to make room for attractive people.  Whenever I lock eyes with one of them I say: “hey! Would you like to meet my friend?  He lives among the spirits in a parallel world.”  That’s when I turn the laptop towards them and show them it’s a mirror.  Then I normally improvise a joke about how they look a lot like them, I can be really hilarious and witty off the cuff.  In the summer you can find me doing this all over the Great Lawn in Central Park. 

How to make friends

Whenever I ride in an elevator I make sure to bring a bottle of Brandy and 2 glasses.  There’s always enough time for a quick drink and some conversation.  Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s so special about sharing a drink on the elevator?”  Well I’ll tell you, I press the emergency stop button to halt the elevator and then take the time to acquaint myself with whoever is riding at that moment.  This is the only way to ensure you have enough time get to know each other.  Stopping it with only one other person is ideal since I only bring two glasses, it’s embarrassing not having enough for everyone.  The conversation is a little awkward at first, as it is whenever you meet a new person, but everyone always warms up.  If they seem overly bashful or are calling for help, assure them that everything is under control and propose a toast.  I met my best friend Quint this way, and also my arch nemesis Norman.

Corporate tricks

Today I had to sit in the most boring meeting, it made me want to rudely dismiss poor ethnic children.  I end up in boring meetings on a regular basis it seems.  The only meeting I’ve been to that wasn’t boring was the time I reserved a room and just took a nap inside.  That was the only meeting I have ever scheduled and I was also the only person I invited.  I’ve decided I’m going to have that meeting bi-weekly.

If you get roped into a boring meeting then I suggest you induce an out-of-body experience to pass the time and multi-task.  I went grocery shopping and made a deposit at the bank during my last one.

Sexy Beast

Last night before bed, I put both of my legs through one of the leg holes in my boxer shorts.  I stood in front of my full-length mirror to see how I might look in a mini-skirt.  I tried different angles, twisting the boxers around me to obscure the empty leg.  The most attractive angle I was able to find was when i was facing away from the mirror and a little to the side, the mirror at my 4 or 5 o’clock.  The pose was completed by arching my back and standing up on my toes to simulate high-heels.  Legs spread slightly, ass outwards.  I looked like a true woman from the waist down.  Was I born in the wrong body?  I spanked myself and cocked a hip at the mirror, it made me feel so alive.