Sunday, April 26, 2009

Spider Attack!

Today I put on my big baggy sweatpants.  I normally wear these when I pretend I’m an ostrich, this time I pretended I was a clothespin.  I ran around my apartment and pinched as many clothes between my legs as I could.  As I picked up my bumble bee T-shirt a spider fell out, it looked at me with all 8 eyes.  I froze as best as I could, their vision is based on movement.  Then once it was fooled it turned and began crawling away.  Then I raised my right leg high in the air and yelled “clothespin clamp!” then brought my foot right on top of it and smashed it to spider hell.  Does spider hell exist?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hear ye, Hear ye

I like music.  I also like live music.  I wish I were the only person who enjoyed live music.  I went to a concert recently and was disgusted by the other fans in attendance.  It seems that in every crowd there are a dozen people or so who feel that they have an extremely important message or request that they need to get to the performers.  They make song requests, as if the floor were open to such nonsense.  Performers perform and the audience listens.  Please, save your applause until the very end, these people have me at my wit’s end!

Also, no need to run onto the stage, it will not make you famous nor will the performers enjoy it.  They will hate you for it.  If I were performing on stage and somebody did this then I would stop the show immediately and not begin until the audience delivered that person’s shirt and shoes onstage.  Once I had these articles onstage I would cast a spell on them and then burn them.  Next I would direct my light crew to shine a spotlight directly on the offender as they sat exposed in shame with no shirt or shoes for the rest of the night.  The intent is to shame them into leaving the auditorium as quickly as possible, at which point I would again stop the performance and cheer, my mindless fans would of course follow suit.  This would no doubt conjure up repressed memories of being molested and humiliated as a child and cause them to lapse into a deep depression during which they lose their job, money and the ability to feel time pass.  Man-eating mummies move into their neighborhood and build a trusting relationship with them only to suddenly eat them while both their children are away at camp together.

In a perfect world it would be an undeniable and well-known truth that every bum on the street was an obnoxious and disruptive patron at a live show or in a movie theater at one point or another.  This is how they came to live the sad life they live now.  Unfortunately each bums has unique stories and diseases that we couldn’t even begin to relate to.

In this perfect world concerts would not be done in auditoriums, not traditional ones anyways.  This is how they would be done: each person in attendance would have a personalized stall in which they could neither hear nor see the other viewers.  However, the performers would be able to hear all of their approving cheers.  Hearing the audience’s approval and knowing they are being thoroughly entertained in a way that uplifts and stimulates them is essential to keeping the energy high until the end of the show, until the climax.  The performers would not be able to see you in the booth either, you would be anonymous.  The experience would be similar to one of those stripper peep shows I keep hearing so much about.  As for the entertainers it would be an incredible improvement, instead of a sea of idiotic people they would face a sea of enthusiastic noise-boxes, chattering away voicing their approval.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A word of advice

Like many offices, my office has a bathroom.  One men’s and one women’s for the floor.  The men’s has two stalls and one urinal and I can only dream of what the women's bathroom is like, but I'll save that for a future post.  Sounds normal right?  I guess it is, if you like to poop back and forth.  Having only two stalls is horrible, the most grievous interior design flaw committed in a public restroom.  It’s better to just have either one or have three (or more), two is out of the question.  Why?  I’m glad you asked, when you enter the bathroom, and need to go number two and somebody is occupying one out of two stalls, what do you do?

A)      You enter the open stall

B)      You enter the occupied stall

C)      You leave and come back when both stalls are free

The correct answer is C.  You cannot, under even extreme circumstances, sit down right next to man and expect either of you to perform a sit-down operation in peace.  You can see each other’s shoes, you can hear him clicking buttons on his phone, and you both sacrifice comfort and efficiency to be silent and polite.  We are in a bathroom, why the shyness?  I don’t know, its just expected.  There is a certain degree of anonymity in this environment, but not nearly enough to comfortably relieve yourself without potentially opening yourself up to ridicule and isolation will ultimately leads to death.  In other words, these two stalls ain't big enough for the two of us.

On the other hand, place a stall between the two and the distance will make both of you much more comfortable.  Remove a stall and the decision is made for you and everybody wins, eventually, once we wait our turn.

“But you’re asking a lot, changing the whole bathroom around like that.”  I beg to differ, all you have to do is remove the door on one of the stalls, then it will become an additional urinal.  Nobody craps in a stall that has no door, unless you’re some kind of freak.  Remove the toilet seat too if you're that worried about it.  I plan on returning to my office this weekend to remove a stall door from the bathroom.  Follow my lead.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Ringxiety

Last night while I was in the middle of my third REM cycle I had an out of body experience.  I traveled to the other side of the world at the speed of light.  I went to Tokyo.  It was the middle of the day, people were bustling about the city going to and fro.  The people were so numerous that they looked like the fibers on a fine oriental rug being graced by the invisible touch of a tired man, lying on his rug, squirming on a hot afternoon.

The people could not see me, I was invisible and also tiny.  I was so tiny I could fit into any one of their pockets if I wanted to.  This was my desire.  I entered a small cafe, entered each patron's pocket and shook back and forth violently.  My interferences gave the recipient a feeling of ringxiety every time, without fail.  When they got out their phone and saw that there was neither a call nor a text, it was like the punchline of a hilarious joke intended only for me.

The next time you get a phantom ring you will know exactly where it came from.  This is probably the most common and beloved prank among out of body travelers.  Feel free to laugh along with us moving forward.

Friday, April 10, 2009

A change is in the wind

Last night I dreamt I was popping giant zits all over my body, it was better than popping bubblewrap.  I won't get into the gory details, but I will tell you that when I looked in the mirror my body looked like a skeleton.  I was skinnier than I had ever dreamed of before.  I don't know what this means, maybe I need to purge my body of something.  Purge my soul of something.  For the next 24 hours I will murmur a string of obscenities, every single one I can think of, this will cause my soul to deflate and I will be primed to fill the void I create with something new and fresh.  After this I will smother my body in vasoline and oils, I hope this will cause me to break out in zits and I will be able to pop them as prescribed in the dream.