Hear ye, Hear ye

I like music.  I also like live music.  I wish I were the only person who enjoyed live music.  I went to a concert recently and was disgusted by the other fans in attendance.  It seems that in every crowd there are a dozen people or so who feel that they have an extremely important message or request that they need to get to the performers.  They make song requests, as if the floor were open to such nonsense.  Performers perform and the audience listens.  Please, save your applause until the very end, these people have me at my wit’s end!

Also, no need to run onto the stage, it will not make you famous nor will the performers enjoy it.  They will hate you for it.  If I were performing on stage and somebody did this then I would stop the show immediately and not begin until the audience delivered that person’s shirt and shoes onstage.  Once I had these articles onstage I would cast a spell on them and then burn them.  Next I would direct my light crew to shine a spotlight directly on the offender as they sat exposed in shame with no shirt or shoes for the rest of the night.  The intent is to shame them into leaving the auditorium as quickly as possible, at which point I would again stop the performance and cheer, my mindless fans would of course follow suit.  This would no doubt conjure up repressed memories of being molested and humiliated as a child and cause them to lapse into a deep depression during which they lose their job, money and the ability to feel time pass.  Man-eating mummies move into their neighborhood and build a trusting relationship with them only to suddenly eat them while both their children are away at camp together.

In a perfect world it would be an undeniable and well-known truth that every bum on the street was an obnoxious and disruptive patron at a live show or in a movie theater at one point or another.  This is how they came to live the sad life they live now.  Unfortunately each bums has unique stories and diseases that we couldn’t even begin to relate to.

In this perfect world concerts would not be done in auditoriums, not traditional ones anyways.  This is how they would be done: each person in attendance would have a personalized stall in which they could neither hear nor see the other viewers.  However, the performers would be able to hear all of their approving cheers.  Hearing the audience’s approval and knowing they are being thoroughly entertained in a way that uplifts and stimulates them is essential to keeping the energy high until the end of the show, until the climax.  The performers would not be able to see you in the booth either, you would be anonymous.  The experience would be similar to one of those stripper peep shows I keep hearing so much about.  As for the entertainers it would be an incredible improvement, instead of a sea of idiotic people they would face a sea of enthusiastic noise-boxes, chattering away voicing their approval.