Roots

I woke up this morning feeling pretty drab. I tried all the routine things that typically perk my spirits: Smashing cherry tomatoes in my palm (great stress reliever), perusing ebay for Cabbage Patch Kids, doing science experiments. Nothing seemed to help though. Then it occurred to me that I was out of touch with my inner child. So I lay in my tub, and did a breathing exercise; four short breaths in - one long breath out. Then I did an "envisioning". I tuned out all the hub-bub from the world outside, and connected in my mind to my younger self. I called out to him, saying "BRANDON! WHAT IS WRONG?" From the lunch line he raised his fists and shouted back, "NO DOUGH!" 

I awoke with a defibrillative jolt, splashing suds all over my new USA bath mat and sat in awe, pondering the potential meaning of his words. After thirty minutes of brow-furrowing contemplation, the water had chilled, and I found myself unwittingly gyrating for warmth. This will not do, I thought, so I dressed myself and went for a stroll around town.

On my way to the subway, I passed a pizza kitchen called "Tony Tomatoes" and thought I'd pop in for a slice of Hawaiian. But before I could order, something caught my eye. A bakers dozen of yeasty orbs rising in the morning sunlight coming through the window. It was then I remembered that as an adolescent, I used to love to gnash my teeth into a wad of pizza dough. I offered Tony Tomato five dollars to bag me the best uncooked glob on the rack; an offer which he accepted. 

I consumed it greedily on the subway, swallowing every slick chewful with addicting fervor, and I perfectly beamed for the whole remainder of the day. 

So thank you little Johnn. You know me better than I know myself.

Mother Earth

I watched a program today that discussed the desire among pregnant women to eat dirt as opposed to "people food". I have always wanted to understand the subtle intricacies of the feminine mind, so I set out to try this for myself.  I put on my maroon turtleneck and head for the park where I then picked a quiet patch of earth and began digging and sifting for what I perceived to be the best handfuls of soil available.

 I had to force the first bite or two, washing it down with a Fresca I'd brought along, but before long I felt I truly understood the appeal. So when I spotted a young pregnant woman sitting by the pond, I walked over and wished her well with the blessing in her belly. Then I dropped a handful of the dirt I had pocketed next to her on the bench. "For later!" I said, "Just whenever you get hungry."

 You know something? I think that if things had been different, I could have made a really excellent mother. 

The Trouble With Children

Ever since I was one myself, I have struggled with the general bad temperament of children. Therefore I make it my business to teach them life lessons that they would not be getting else-wise. Work ethic, honesty and courteousness I think are the hallmarks of good rearing and so these are the attributes I seek to instill in the youth I come in contact with.

Today I was on the bus, when a boy (aged 9, so he told me) boarded. I slid over and offered him the seat next to my own. When he accepted, we conversed shortly and then I engaged him in a quick round of  "I-Spy", as a way to gauge how much tutelage he was in need of. I told him that I had spied an orange briefcase, knowing full well there was none to be found. He looked around, and instead of lying to appease me, he bashfully admitted defeat. He could see no orange briefcase. I told him that was right, patted him on the head and offered him half a packet of Smarties that I had saved from the bank. He declined my offer and told me that we had already arrived at his stop. It couldn't have been more than 8 blocks. 

So the boy, despite his honesty, proved my point. Children are just terribly lazy people.

Do you believe?

Today I brought my laptop on the train with me.  It’s no ordinary laptop.  In fact, it’s just an old busted one I got for free off craigslist, it doesn’t work.  What I’ve done is I’ve installed a mirror where the screen should be.  I like to take it out in public and pretend as if I’m talking via webcam with an old friend of mine.  I have some old earphones I wear to simulate one side of a conversation.  Then, whenever somebody who I find unattractive looks at me I start talking about "the creep who keeps staring at me".  I try to do this loud enough so they can hear, until they get up and leave.  Sometimes they say something to me first, this is very rare, but they always leave the area within five minutes.  This is how I clear out the unattractive people to make room for attractive people.  Whenever I lock eyes with one of them I say: “hey! Would you like to meet my friend?  He lives among the spirits in a parallel world.”  That’s when I turn the laptop towards them and show them it’s a mirror.  Then I normally improvise a joke about how they look a lot like them, I can be really hilarious and witty off the cuff.  In the summer you can find me doing this all over the Great Lawn in Central Park. 

How to make friends

Whenever I ride in an elevator I make sure to bring a bottle of Brandy and 2 glasses.  There’s always enough time for a quick drink and some conversation.  Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s so special about sharing a drink on the elevator?”  Well I’ll tell you, I press the emergency stop button to halt the elevator and then take the time to acquaint myself with whoever is riding at that moment.  This is the only way to ensure you have enough time get to know each other.  Stopping it with only one other person is ideal since I only bring two glasses, it’s embarrassing not having enough for everyone.  The conversation is a little awkward at first, as it is whenever you meet a new person, but everyone always warms up.  If they seem overly bashful or are calling for help, assure them that everything is under control and propose a toast.  I met my best friend Quint this way, and also my arch nemesis Norman.

Corporate tricks

Today I had to sit in the most boring meeting, it made me want to rudely dismiss poor ethnic children.  I end up in boring meetings on a regular basis it seems.  The only meeting I’ve been to that wasn’t boring was the time I reserved a room and just took a nap inside.  That was the only meeting I have ever scheduled and I was also the only person I invited.  I’ve decided I’m going to have that meeting bi-weekly.

If you get roped into a boring meeting then I suggest you induce an out-of-body experience to pass the time and multi-task.  I went grocery shopping and made a deposit at the bank during my last one.

Sexy Beast

Last night before bed, I put both of my legs through one of the leg holes in my boxer shorts.  I stood in front of my full-length mirror to see how I might look in a mini-skirt.  I tried different angles, twisting the boxers around me to obscure the empty leg.  The most attractive angle I was able to find was when i was facing away from the mirror and a little to the side, the mirror at my 4 or 5 o’clock.  The pose was completed by arching my back and standing up on my toes to simulate high-heels.  Legs spread slightly, ass outwards.  I looked like a true woman from the waist down.  Was I born in the wrong body?  I spanked myself and cocked a hip at the mirror, it made me feel so alive.

He steals pizzas

I love pizza so much.  My ideal Saturday night would consist of placing garlic scented candles around the bathroom and then filling up my large spa-style bathtub with slices of hot pepperoni pizza.  I would rub 100% virgin olive oil all over my body and then slip into the tub and soak in crusty warmth of it all.  Root beer goes really well with pizza too, I would be drinking that at the same time.  Every now and again I would yell something like "Avoid the Noid!!"

The Hate Ball

Last night I got into a terrible argument with my magic 8-ball.  I asked him if he wanted to watch the news with me, he said “better not tell you now.”  I thought, ok, that’s fine, it doesn’t start for 7 more minutes so I asked him again a few minutes later.  This time he said. “Concentrate and ask again.”  I concentrated, thrusting my thoughts towards the center of the universe, the direction of which changes depending on the time of day and season of the year.  At that particular moment my intergalactic compass was pointing to the right, towards my kitchen.  I looked in that direction and concentrated for about 45 seconds, then I asked again.  

 "Do you want to watch the news with me?"

 This time my 8-ball said “My reply is no.”  I lost it.  I don’t appreciate it when my patience is toyed with.  That’s probably the worst thing he could have revealed to me at that moment, I never watch the news without him and he knows it.  I never even have to ask!  My doing so was an out of the ordinary consideration!  He just threw it back in my face! Is this how he’s always felt?  All those evenings we’ve spent watching the news together—and he didn’t want to be there?  Does he even value our relationship?  How many times has he resented me?  I feel like such a fool.  Damn him.  I couldn’t stand to look at him for the rest of the right, so I locked myself in the bathroom and then made him sleep on the couch.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this.  My world will never be the same.

A perfect world

I don’t like children, sometimes I imagine a world without them.  The streets are paved with gobstoppers, we don’t eat them because we are adults and know they are not for eating.

Fantasy stroll. March 8, 2009

Today I pretended I was an explorer from another planet.  My name was Trorg.   The Earth's atmosphere would certainly have killed me without the goggles and snorkel I wore.  On planet Sart we breathe an atmosphere infused with aspertane caused by pollution from previous civilizations, we thrive on it and would die otherwise.  I collected soil samples and various mineral solids.  I won't be sure until I return to Sart, but I may have traveled not only through space, but also time.  I was very careful not leave behind any trace of my visit, I don't want to disrupt the order of the universe.  The most notable thing I observed was that humans have no concept of trimprog.  So fascinating!  A most curious species!

Hilarious pranks

Sometimes, when I use a public restroom, I like to go inside each stall and lock it, then crawl out under the door.  Then when somebody else comes inside and needs to use the stall they can’t get in.  This is hilarious.  I don’t even need to stick around, just the thought of it happening puts me in stitches.  I can just imagine the look on that sucker’s face.  Sometimes I even leave my shoes behind so if they peek under they will think it’s occupied, then the laughs last much longer.  Ideally I would use several mannequins to really tie things up for a while, but sadly I don't have access to such props.

Another prank I like to pull is I leave a small pin in a movie theater seat so when somebody sits down it pricks them.  When they get up and see what it was they find a note that reads: “this needle is infected with the AIDS virus”, so they get really freaked out for while until they discover it was really just a joke and they don’t have AIDS.  Then they just have a good laugh with their friends.  You can do this with pretty much any disease.

I think I have an addiction

Every morning I stand in the same spot in the same subway car.  There is a woman with a similar schedule who also gets in the same doors and stands nearby.  Her hair smells absolutely incredible.  It smells something like two honeysuckles copulating on a warm spring day while eating grandma’s homemade brownies.  My eyes roll back into my skull, toes curl, and I hold back a euphoric groan with each whiff.  I always try to stand behind her, lean in, flare my nostrils and let the scent slowly ease its way inside so as not to overwhelm me.  It's a sensation I savor and then crave.  I normally see her at least 3 or 4 times a week but the last time I smelled her hair was last Wednesday.  I haven't seen her since.  Now I get headaches every morning.  I’ve taken to sniffing spicy brown mustard, it gets rid of the headaches, but always ends up in a nose bleed 2 or 3 hours later.  I’m not sure what to do.

A cat's life

All last night I dreamt I was a housecat.  I was nimble and small and pretty much just hung out and slept.  When my alarm went off in the morning I immediately turned it off and went back to sleep.  Because cats don’t have alarms and get up for work, it’s time to sleep in.  Man, I'm so glad I'm a cat and not a person.  By the time I remembered I wasn’t actually a cat at all I was already an hour late for work.  What a crazy dream.

Love story

Whenever I’m nervous that a girl thinks I’m not into her I do 2 things.  First, I poke her. Try this, If you’re not sure where to poke just keep poking playfully until you get a genuine reaction. There are no negative reactions in this scenario, only reciprocal flirts. The second thing is making prolonged eye contact, try to get your eyes to shake back and forth slightly. Make sure she notices this. If her eyes dilate then your chemistry is undeniably harmonious. I tried this with a cashier at the grocery store, our souls mated. She is my soulmate, her name is Kathy, within 13 years I will return and claim her everlasting soul.

Pump up the pace

I’ve read that laughing burns calories, this is another thing I can incorporate into my idle moments to help counteract the sedentary lifestyle.  I figure I can fit in about 6 hours of raucous laughter every day.  It also occurred to me that it takes more muscles in your face and more effort to frown than to smile, therefore, laughing normally is not the most effective calorie burner.  Three hours of frowny laughing is better than 100 thigh raises, or even 20 minutes on the bow-flex.  I’ve begun putting it into practice all the time, whether I'm in Trader Joe's, Barnes & Noble or just sitting at home reading the book I just purchased.  Start today, right now, if it sounds something like: “rubrubrubrubrubrub” then you’re doing it right.

Fantasy stroll. March 1, 2009

Today I went for a fantasy stroll, which I normally do every Sunday.  I pretended I was a great big lion, with a luscious flowing mane.  Everyone feared me and respected me.  They admired my coat, lions are beautiful creatures.  I growled and purred and went on a hunt.  Several other lions joined me as I feasted on a fresh zebra kill.  There is only one king of the jungle.