Monday, March 30, 2009
Roots
Mother Earth
Friday, March 27, 2009
The Trouble With Children
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Do you believe?
Today I brought my laptop on the train with me. It’s no ordinary laptop. In fact, it’s just an old busted one I got for free off craigslist, it doesn’t work. What I’ve done is I’ve installed a mirror where the screen should be. I like to take it out in public and pretend as if I’m talking via webcam with an old friend of mine. I have some old earphones I wear to simulate one side of a conversation. Then, whenever somebody who I find unattractive looks at me I start talking about "the creep who keeps staring at me". I try to do this loud enough so they can hear, until they get up and leave. Sometimes they say something to me first, this is very rare, but they always leave the area within five minutes. This is how I clear out the unattractive people to make room for attractive people. Whenever I lock eyes with one of them I say: “hey! Would you like to meet my friend? He lives among the spirits in a parallel world.” That’s when I turn the laptop towards them and show them it’s a mirror. Then I normally improvise a joke about how they look a lot like them, I can be really hilarious and witty off the cuff. In the summer you can find me doing this all over the Great Lawn in
Monday, March 23, 2009
How to make friends
Whenever I ride in an elevator I make sure to bring a bottle of Brandy and 2 glasses. There’s always enough time for a quick drink and some conversation. Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s so special about sharing a drink on the elevator?” Well I’ll tell you, I press the emergency stop button to halt the elevator and then take the time to acquaint myself with whoever is riding at that moment. This is the only way to ensure you have enough time get to know each other. Stopping it with only one other person is ideal since I only bring two glasses, it’s embarrassing not having enough for everyone. The conversation is a little awkward at first, as it is whenever you meet a new person, but everyone always warms up. If they seem overly bashful or are calling for help, assure them that everything is under control and propose a toast. I met my best friend Quint this way, and also my arch nemesis
Friday, March 20, 2009
Corporate tricks
Today I had to sit in the most boring meeting, it made me want to rudely dismiss poor ethnic children. I end up in boring meetings on a regular basis it seems. The only meeting I’ve been to that wasn’t boring was the time I reserved a room and just took a nap inside. That was the only meeting I have ever scheduled and I was also the only person I invited. I’ve decided I’m going to have that meeting bi-weekly.
If you get roped into a boring meeting then I suggest you induce an out-of-body experience to pass the time and multi-task. I went grocery shopping and made a deposit at the bank during my last one.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sexy Beast
Last night before bed, I put both of my legs through one of the leg holes in my boxer shorts. I stood in front of my full-length mirror to see how I might look in a mini-skirt. I tried different angles, twisting the boxers around me to obscure the empty leg. The most attractive angle I was able to find was when i was facing away from the mirror and a little to the side, the mirror at my 4 or
Thursday, March 12, 2009
He steals pizzas
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Hate Ball
Last night I got into a terrible argument with my magic 8-ball. I asked him if he wanted to watch the news with me, he said “better not tell you now.” I thought, ok, that’s fine, it doesn’t start for 7 more minutes so I asked him again a few minutes later. This time he said. “Concentrate and ask again.” I concentrated, thrusting my thoughts towards the center of the universe, the direction of which changes depending on the time of day and season of the year. At that particular moment my intergalactic compass was pointing to the right, towards my kitchen. I looked in that direction and concentrated for about 45 seconds, then I asked again.
Monday, March 9, 2009
A perfect world
I don’t like children, sometimes I imagine a world without them. The streets are paved with gobstoppers, we don’t eat them because we are adults and know they are not for eating.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Fantasy stroll. March 8, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Hilarious pranks
Sometimes, when I use a public restroom, I like to go inside each stall and lock it, then crawl out under the door. Then when somebody else comes inside and needs to use the stall they can’t get in. This is hilarious. I don’t even need to stick around, just the thought of it happening puts me in stitches. I can just imagine the look on that sucker’s face. Sometimes I even leave my shoes behind so if they peek under they will think it’s occupied, then the laughs last much longer. Ideally I would use several mannequins to really tie things up for a while, but sadly I don't have access to such props.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I think I have an addiction
Every morning I stand in the same spot in the same subway car. There is a woman with a similar schedule who also gets in the same doors and stands nearby. Her hair smells absolutely incredible. It smells something like two honeysuckles copulating on a warm spring day while eating grandma’s homemade brownies. My eyes roll back into my skull, toes curl, and I hold back a euphoric groan with each whiff. I always try to stand behind her, lean in, flare my nostrils and let the scent slowly ease its way inside so as not to overwhelm me. It's a sensation I savor and then crave. I normally see her at least 3 or 4 times a week but the last time I smelled her hair was last Wednesday. I haven't seen her since. Now I get headaches every morning. I’ve taken to sniffing spicy brown mustard, it gets rid of the headaches, but always ends up in a nose bleed 2 or 3 hours later. I’m not sure what to do.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A cat's life
All last night I dreamt I was a housecat. I was nimble and small and pretty much just hung out and slept. When my alarm went off in the morning I immediately turned it off and went back to sleep. Because cats don’t have alarms and get up for work, it’s time to sleep in. Man, I'm so glad I'm a cat and not a person. By the time I remembered I wasn’t actually a cat at all I was already an hour late for work. What a crazy dream.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Love story
Monday, March 2, 2009
Pump up the pace
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Fantasy stroll. March 1, 2009
Today I went for a fantasy stroll, which I normally do every Sunday. I pretended I was a great big lion, with a luscious flowing mane. Everyone feared me and respected me. They admired my coat, lions are beautiful creatures. I growled and purred and went on a hunt. Several other lions joined me as I feasted on a fresh zebra kill. There is only one king of the jungle.