a new superhero

If I could have the power of any animal it would be that of a tick. Ticks are indestructible and they suck blood. Just call me Tick Tock.

SLAM

I try to visit the top of the Empire State Building at least once every month. The last few times I've gone I've started bringing a bag of coins to the top. I etch "SLAM" into the face of each coin and deftly throw it off the observation deck. Nobody has caught me yet. I'm hoping this will make me famous someday.

A painful reminder of how things used to be.

The Emmys were last night. Unfortunately none of the shows nominated are worth 3 pence less than a nickel. Ever since Murphy Brown went off the air my TV has been facing the wall, ashamed of its programming. I still long for Candace Bergen, or Candace Johnn as I prefer. All the Tina Feys in the world will never fill this hole in my heart. A hole shaped like Candace Bergen.

Man vs Beast

Somebody once told me that humans are the only animal that sleeps on their back. The reason we humans do this is so our souls don't seep out through our belly buttons. If we slept on our stomachs every night it would only take about 3 years before we lost our souls completely. The one thing all serial killers have in common is that they sleep face down.

Good Genes

I hate glasses. Not only do they make me look stupid and ugly, but they make everyone else look ugly too. When i wear them i can see all kinds of imperfections in their skin that i would have never noticed before. Everyone in the world is undatable if you have 20/20 vision. Which is why i think perfect vision is a curse and I am blessed. My vision is just good enough to tell if somebody is looking at me from 15 feet away, and that's all I need.

My Mind

Somebody once told me: "Brandon, your mind is like a steel trap!"

I thought about this long and hard, what did he refer to? It was after I had noticed he his misuse of the plural form of the word crisis, he had said crisises, rather than the correct form: crises. I never realized Aaron was such a layman until that moment.

Having a mind like a steel trap is being an intelligent human being, nothing more. Nothing in my mind is spring loaded, although the sting of my wit might make one think otherwise.

Now I realize how intimidating my wit can be, I don't miss a beat, much like a steel trap doesn't miss a raccoon's leg if they step on the loaded plate. Aaron stepped on the loaded plate of my mind, and it stung. Now I know how the farmer feels when he catches the raccoon that's been getting into his corn and eating his chickens. Will he show mercy?

A true recovery takes spirit

Please pardon my absence, I've been recovering from a very extensive surgery.